Hyper-Independence is a Complex Trauma Response

Written by: Jasmine K. Y. Loo (Psychologist)

Hyper-independence is a response to complex trauma.

Many neurodivergent individuals (NDs) are no strangers to relational trauma, often as a result of the way they think and perceive the world differently from the majority. Sadly, lateral aggression may not be uncommon for some NDs, either.

Relational Trauma and Lateral Aggression

Relational trauma refers to the ongoing emotional wounds caused by repeated negative experiences in relationships, such as neglect, rejection, or emotional abuse. Many NDs experience this in childhood, within friendships, at school, or even in their own families. They may repeatedly be dismissed, invalidated, or treated as “too sensitive” or “difficult.”

Lateral aggression, on the other hand, occurs when members of a marginalised group turn on each other, often as a response to societal pressures. In neurodivergent spaces, this can manifest as gatekeeping, competitiveness, or invalidation from other neurodivergent individuals.

With repeated exposure to relational trauma and lateral aggression, many Ds develop deep-seated difficulties in seeking help. They may anticipate rejection, apathy, or even mockery when they show vulnerability. Over time, this can lead to the development of hyper-independence as a survival strategy.

The Struggles of Hyper-Independence

Hyper-independence is the tendency to rely entirely on oneself, often to the point of refusing help even when it is needed. While it can come with benefits—such as self-sufficiency and a diverse range of skills—it can also become a significant barrier in both personal and professional life.

For example, a hyper-independent individual at work might struggle when faced with a task they cannot complete alone. Instead of asking for help, they may procrastinate, try to learn the task on their own, or mask their struggles by offering excuses. In relationships, hyper-independence can make it difficult to be emotionally vulnerable, leading to exhaustion from constantly carrying responsibilities alone.

The underlying belief often driving hyper-independence is: “If I don’t depend on anyone, I won’t be disappointed, hurt, or ridiculed”. While this belief may have been adaptive in the past, it can ultimately result in isolation and burnout.

Building Help-Seeking Behaviours

Recovering from hyper-independence requires recognising that seeking help is not a weakness — it is a crucial part of healthy interdependence. Here are some ways NDs can work toward building help-seeking behaviours:

1. Seek Neuro-Affirming Professional Support Working with a neuro-affirming therapist or coach can help in recognising and addressing the trauma responses underlying hyper-independence. A therapist can also help reframe the idea of asking for help as a strength rather than a failure.

2. Start Small with Low-Stakes Requests If asking for help feels overwhelming, start with small, low-risk requests. This might include asking a friend for advice on a book recommendation or requesting a colleague’s input on a minor work task. Gradually building comfort with small requests can make it easier to seek help for larger issues.

3. Recognise and Challenge Internalised Narratives Hyper-independent individuals often carry internalised messages such as “I should be able to handle everything myself” or “No one will help me if I ask.” Challenging these beliefs and replacing them with affirmations like “It’s okay to need support” can help shift the mindset around asking for help.

4. Build a Support Network Finding and maintaining connections with neurodivergent-friendly communities can help reinforce the idea that seeking support is normal and encouraged. Online support groups, peer mentorships, or neuro-affirming social spaces can be invaluable.

5. Practice Communicating Needs Clearly Learning to communicate specific needs in a way that feels safe can be empowering. Instead of making broad statements like “I’m struggling,” practicing more structured approaches such as “I could use some guidance on X” or “Would you be open to helping me with Y?” can make asking for help more manageable.

6. Acknowledge the Strength in Interdependence Interdependence — the ability to both give and receive support — is a healthy alternative to both hyper-independence and over-reliance/co-dependence. Recognising that relationships thrive on mutual support can help shift perspectives on vulnerability and connection.

Final Thoughts

Hyper-independence is often a response to deep-seated trauma and long-term lived experiences of rejection, but it doesn’t have to be a lifelong pattern. With intentional effort and the right support systems, NDs can work toward a more balanced approach — one that honours their resilience while allowing them to receive the help they deserve.

Do you work with the neurodivergent community and are committed to the ongoing learning of neuro-affirming practices? Apply for a NAPAA professional membership today to access a growing library of member exclusive resources.