Why Do I Obsess Over Crushes? Limerence, ADHD and the Rollercoaster of Intense Infatuation

Written by: Jasmine K. Y. Loo (Psychologist)

Have you ever found yourself totally fixated on someone you’re into - checking your phone every few minutes, imagining entire conversations or future scenarios, and feeling like your mood rises and falls based on whether they’ve noticed you?

You’re not just “being dramatic.” You might be experiencing something called limerence - a very intense and emotionally consuming form of romantic attraction. And if you’re someone with ADHD, that intensity can be dialled up even higher.

What is Limerence?

Limerence isn’t just a strong crush. It’s more like falling into an emotional whirlpool. It involves:

• Constant thoughts about a specific person (sometimes called a “limerent object”) 

• A craving for emotional connection or reciprocation from them

• Emotional highs when you feel hopeful and lows when you don’t get a response - feeling ​​anxious, restless or devastated

• Fantasising about a perfect relationship with the other person, often idealising them

For many, limerence feels exciting at first - but over time, it can become exhausting or even distressing. It can take up so much mental space that it’s hard to focus on work, school, or other relationships.

Why Does Limerence Hit So Hard for People with ADHD?

If you have ADHD, you might be more prone to limerence for a few key reasons:

1. Hyperfocus

ADHD brains can lock onto a specific interest and stay there for hours, days, weeks. If that interest is a person, your brain might loop back to them constantly, replaying conversations or imagining what they’re doing.

2. Emotional intensity

ADHD is often linked to strong, fast-moving feelings. You might feel overjoyed one moment, heartbroken the next - sometimes over small things, like a text that takes too long to arrive.

3. Rejection sensitivity

Many people with ADHD are deeply affected by signs of disinterest, distance or criticism. If someone doesn’t respond how you hoped, it can feel like a personal rejection - fuelling even more longing or anxiety.

4. Craving stimulation

ADHD brains seek novelty and emotional stimulation. A new romantic interest? Full of novelty. It can feel incredibly exciting - until it becomes overwhelming or unreciprocated.

How Do I Know If I’m Experiencing Limerence?

Here are some common signs:

• You think about the person constantly, even when you try not to

• Your mood depends heavily on their response (or the lack of one)

• You idealise them, ignoring red flags or incompatibilities

• You replay interactions over and over, analysing every detail

• You feel physically anxious or unsettled when you don’t hear from them

• You struggle to focus on other parts of your life when they’re on your mind

Limerence often feels like it must be love, but it can happen even when you barely know the person - or when the relationship isn’t mutual.

Is Limerence the Same as Love?

Not quite.

Limerence is one-sided and often built on fantasy or hope rather than shared experience. Love, in contrast, usually involves emotional connection, mutual understanding and a stable sense of care. Limerence can feel like love on overdrive - but it often leads to confusion, emotional burnout or heartbreak.

What Can Help?

If this sounds familiar, know this: you’re not “too much.” Your brain just processes emotions differently - and that’s not your fault.

Here are a few ways to support yourself through limerence:

• Name it. Just knowing what limerence is can help you get perspective.

• Track your patterns. Notice what triggers your highs and lows - like unread messages, delayed replies or seeing them post online.

• Create space. Try activities that help shift your focus, like reading, movement or creative projects.

• Challenge the fantasy. Ask yourself: Do I know this person well, or am I projecting what I want them to be?

• Talk it out. A neuroaffirming professional can help you explore what this pattern might be telling you about your needs, boundaries, and sense of self-worth.

You’re Not Alone - and You’re Not Broken

Limerence can feel intense, disorienting, and sometimes shameful - especially if you find yourself caught in the same loop again and again. But there’s nothing wrong with having a big heart or a passionate mind. With the right support, you can learn to understand your patterns, soothe your nervous system and build healthier, more grounded relationships.

Need Support?

If this article resonated with you and you’d like to speak with someone who understands how ADHD and intense emotional experiences like limerence can affect daily life, you’re not alone. Visit the NAPAA Directory to find a neuroaffirming professional near you.